A3—Re-shoot

Following the comments I received from my tutor, I re-shot A3. I am submitting just the following image for this assignment as I feel that it portrays well what I wanted to say about how I feel.

The thought of dancing turns me white cold with fear

The eight images in the thumbnail below were taken during the re-shoot for A3. In the first three I am wearing a light jacket and boots so that I could test my set-up without being bothered too much by the cold. Once I knew it was working, I took a further five frames in quick succession—the temperature was -10C and I was wearing a cotton shirt and standing in snow with bare feet. I did not want to linger and, by this time, I knew what I was after.

A3—Tutor’s feedback

I received my tutor’s feedback in writing for this assignment. I appreciate the circumstances that made a video / audio conversation difficult, but I find that a live exchange is much more effective for learning than reading a response in text. A live chat lets me ask whether I have understood properly and to ask questions—the back-and-forth exchange can be quite quick. Text does not really allow for much conversation and it is possible to read too much or too little into a sentence or two of commentary.

In spite of all that, the feedback was helpful although it left me scratching my head at first. R. writes that “visually I’d like to see you take this further” but, when you think you’ve already taken it farther than you’ve been before, where do you go next? So, I had to chew on his words a bit more:

Contact sheets too small: I’m not sure what the problem is, because they seem to expand to the same size as the sheets I’ve posted before. I’ll check. Nice to hear that they “look like aesthetic objects in their own right,” though. Perhaps I should just have submitted the contact sheets! (I’m kidding, of course.)
Location uninspiring: fair enough. Our back room doesn’t always inspire me, either, but I needed somewhere to work in the evening, out of the cold. I also agree with not cutting off my feet, smoothing out my shirt and making sure items like electrical outlets are not visible. These are all legitimate points about the imagery and I got too caught up in the fact that I was pushing myself to do a self-portrait and approximate dancing.
R.’s next points were very helpful to me as I reflected on them:
- “we’re looking for something visually improbable/unknown.”
- “Can you take your iPod out somewhere? The figure in location has so much potential, a lot of people are working on this at the moment. You need to choose your location with care, it’s hugely important what you, the photographer, see in it. It’s not a backdrop, the relationship is between the figure and the environment.”
And his assessment of areas for development really caught my attention: “Think visually, I feel you’re emphasising the ideas more than the visual realisation at the moment.”

I thought this last point was particularly fair and that visual payoff of my work was not as effective as it could be. If I hadn’t told you that I was disliked having my picture taken and that I was afraid of dancing, you would not have known it from the four images I presented. After thinking about all this, I decided to go back to what I wrote in my presentation of A3 and a single phrase caught my attention: “…ask me to put music and movement together in front of other people and I turn white with cold fear” (https://alancandn.home.blog/2019/11/19/a3-rethinking/).

It occurred to me that “I turn white cold with fear” is not just a vivid description of a feeling, but of an image, and that is the picture I need to show the viewer.

And so I have re-shot A3 to tell a more effective visual story, keeping in mind both my narrative and the need to draw on an interesting context that supports the narrative.

A3—Reflection

Demonstration of technical and visual skills

I am satisfied with the results I achieved for A3.
The technical and visual skills required to realise these images were a little different from what I have done with other exercises and assignments. Most important, I was the subject, so I had to work to ensure that I would remain in focus while moving around in front of the camera. I accomplished this in a few ways:
- by setting the camera on a two-second timer to give me enough time to get in front of the lens;
- by setting the aperture on the lens (f/8) to give sufficient depth of field;
- by using a gel-coloured flash, remotely-triggered and fired into a reflective umbrella to freeze motion; and
- by ensuring that there was no ambient light in the room, which meant that the flash was the only source of light.

Quality of outcome

I am pleased with the results I achieved, in that they represent well what I had in mind once I landed on my concept / approach.
The images are sharp; I had enough exposures to give me a good selection of photographs for the series; and the colours from the gel-covered flash gave some extra dynamism to the images.
The four images I chose for the final set also compliment each other well in terms of movement, position of the subject, and the colours chosen for each.
If I were to do this again, though, I might look at letting a little ambient light into the frame and dragging the shutter. This would introduce more movement into the frame, but it might take away from the over all effect.

Demonstration of creativity

The creativity for me in this assignment does not lie in the techniques required to produce the images. Taking pictures with a flash in an umbrella is not that complicated, once you get a feel for what you are doing.
Instead, I believe that the creativity lies mostly in the desire to use the assignment to support some personal growth. I realise that a fear of dancing—coupled with a real dislike of pictures of myself—may seem trivial to some people, but it is significant for me. (I am guessing that many of those same people might run from speaking opportunities, while I have little difficulty addressing hundreds of people.)

Context

The reflection I did for this assignment continues the direction in some sense from A2 (which I will almost certainly rework in light of the feedback I received from my tutor), where I looked at issues of personal identity through a collection of artefacts.
In A3 I have again turned to personal exploration, although this time the imagery involves me directly rather than a series of proxies.
At the beginning of the feedback I received from my tutor in response to A2, he included the following quotation:

‘If I throw a stick in one direction in a field it does not mean that I am obliged to
retrieve it like a dog. If I throw a stick it is to eliminate or exclude this direction, to
feel free to research what is not indicated yet.’
Tomasz Wendland (2008)

I interpreted that as encouragement to resist following my initial leanings for A3 and to open up a new range of possible directions by deliberately turning from familiar things. Looking at my self as the subject of my photographs is something that I have never done, so being pushed was good for my growth as a photographer (and perhaps as a person). Rather than taking on a self-portrait in a relatively distant or even impersonal way, I decided to tackle a discomfort and a fear head-on.
I have also been glad of the opportunity to explore more personal topics in what I hope has been a positive way. Everyone faces challenges in the course of life—some much more so than others—but it has bothered me that so many personal artistic explorations seem to be negative in nature. I think I would have real difficulty sustaining a personal project that focused on the negative and I would also be reluctant to share it with others. I want to grow and I am usually better fed turning outward and forward, rather than focusing inward and down.
This does not mean that I cannot learn from and appreciate the work of artists whose work is darker—it just means that I may not want to follow their examples.

Reference

Wendland, T. (2008) ‘THE UNKNOWN: That what I say is not what I mean’ [Ph.D. Dissertation] Dartington College of Arts, University of Plymouth. At: https://pearl.plymouth.ac.uk/handle/10026.1/2796 (Accessed 24/11/2019).

A3—Self-portrait submission

This self-portrait is a departure for me in a number of ways. Challenged by my tutor to reveal a side of myself that might be surprising to people who know me, I decided to accept the challenge in a way that I hope might be positive for me.

I am not at all a shy person, but there are two things about me that most of my acquaintances do not know: 1) I have run from having my picture taken since I was a child, and; 2) the thought of dancing in front of others puts my stomach in knots. Although I have loved photography since I received my first camera at the age of 12, there are very few pictures taken of me since I was a teen. And, although I love music, I have avoided social situations where there was even the slightest chance that I might be expected to dance. I have been particularly ashamed of the fear of dancing and am aware of the fun that I have likely missed because of it. And I know that my wife has probably paid a price, too.

I have always been taken by Ilse Bing’s famous Self-Portrait in Mirrors, 1931 and originally thought of using her approach both to look out at the viewer and to reflect on my own self-consciousness. I soon realised, however, that I did not want to continue to focus on my feelings of embarrassment but to push myself beyond them and bring two difficult things in my life together. I could have produced a self-portrait that showed the feelings or impacts associated with a fear of dancing, but I wanted to resist and do something more positive for myself. It would be a series of images me having fun moving to music and be much less formally composed than Bing’s image. And if dancing turns me white with fear, well, I would counter that with coloured flash in keeping with all the colours expressed in music.

So my series is not about looking back or even about justifying or exploring where I may be now, but more about who I aspire to become. Less someone bound or shaped by fear, and more someone ready to look forward and grasp a challenge. My self-portraits are not the artful pictures of a youthful dance master like Mickael Jou, but the clumsy first moves of a middle-aged man.

I am under no illusion that this is the end of the matter, but it is a small step.

A small dance step.

References

AnOther (2016) Uncovering the Critical Influence of Photographer Ilse Bing. At: https://www.anothermag.com/art-photography/9266/uncovering-the-critical-influence-of-photographer-ilse-bing (Accessed 23/11/2019).

Dance Self-Portraits by Mickael Jou • Design Father (2015) At: https://www.designfather.com/dance-self-portraits-mickael-jou/ (Accessed 23/11/2019).

Ilse Bing. Self-Portrait in Mirrors. 1931 | MoMA (s.d.) At: https://www.moma.org/collection/works/44571 (Accessed 23/11/2019).

Mickael Jou (s.d.) At: https://mickaeljou.com/?og=1 (Accessed 23/11/2019).

A3—Rethinking, approach and contact sheets

After discussing a possible direction for A3 with my tutor and being encouraged to show a side of myself that people might not know, I went back to the drawing board.

I have to admit that it took some time to identify a new path. To my mind, it is a fairly rare thing for someone in middle age to reveal something new about themselves. Family, friends and colleagues have had years to get know me and the chance to surprise them becomes less likely the more time goes by. Nevertheless, it dawned on me that there might be one thing about me that would surprise people: my terrible fear of dancing. I have a reputation for being a competent, confident person who remains calm under pressure and thinks well on his feet. I am not shy: I am comfortable leading large teams, teaching adults and speaking in front of hundreds of people. And I absolutely love music and I feel its power—when I’m by myself. But ask me to put music and movement together in front of other people and I turn white with cold fear.

So that would be it. But I wanted to do it on my own terms: rather than making a self-portrait just about fear, I would do a series on where I could get to. I’ve been ashamed of this long enough and resent both the way I have allowed it to make me feel and the fun I’ve missed out on.

I decided to do a series of me dancing and even looking a bit silly as I enjoyed music on my iPod. I would incorporate colour and use flash to freeze my movement. I darkened the room so that the flash would be the only light and give me greater control, both of the exposures I want to use and to strengthen the effect of the gels on the flash. I had originally thought of using a single exposure or perhaps of blending a number of exposures to give a greater sense of movement but, in the end, I opted to go with four exposures—one from each of the different coloured gels I had used.

Here are the contact sheets from the series I took:

A3—Early thoughts

“Drawing upon the examples in Part Three and your own research, you can approach
your self-portraits however you see fit.”

Self-portraiture is not something I have ever done, largely because I have never really enjoyed having my picture taken. Even as a kid, I would rather run away than be lined up for a camera. And sometimes I did just that (there is photographic evidence of this).

My first thoughts for A3 came to me in a bit of a flash over breakfast. If I was going to have to do this, I would do it as a challenge and try to do it up big. My inspiration was Jimmy DeSana‘s cover art for the Talking Heads album, More Songs about Buildings and Food, along with the way that David Hockney had done his Polaroid portraits. I wanted to create a composite grid image showing several aspects of my life. I reasoned that any individual is not, in fact, one thing, aspect or persona, but is seen in several facets that vary according to context, role and relationship.

I thought I was onto something, but my tutor started asking more tricky questions during our October 8 conversation: is there any part of you that people don’t know? Is there something like a place or a moment that would show a different side of you? I suggested that there probably wasn’t much that would surprise people about me at my age, but he wasn’t buying it. Instead, he encouraged me to “be extreme, either in the idea or the concept.” And then he reiterated it in his written feedback to me: “I’m thinking of your perfectly reasonable idea for the assignment and suggesting you
go in the opposite direction. For me, the job of the photographer is to make the
invisible visible, not to be subversive but to develop our understanding.”

So now I’m back at square one without an idea or a concept. I’ll have to chew on this for a little bit before trying out some ideas. They may be easier to create from a technical standpoint than a complex grid would be, but they might require more personal work to get at why I would want to create a particular view of myself, rather than another.

Growing can be a pain, sometimes.

References

David Hockney and The Camera: A Composite Polaroid Reality. At: https://www.dailyartmagazine.com/david-hockney-photographs/ (Accessed 14/10/2019).

Estate of Jimmy DeSana (s.d.) At: https://salon94.com/artists/estate-of-jimmy-desana (Accessed 14/10/2019). Michalska, M. (2018)

More Songs About Buildings and Food (2019) In: Wikipedia. At: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=More_Songs_About_Buildings_and_Food&oldid=919824330 (Accessed 14/10/2019).