Following the comments I received from my tutor, I re-shot A3. I am submitting just the following image for this assignment as I feel that it portrays well what I wanted to say about how I feel.
The thought of dancing turns me white cold with fear
The eight images in the thumbnail below were taken during the re-shoot for A3. In the first three I am wearing a light jacket and boots so that I could test my set-up without being bothered too much by the cold. Once I knew it was working, I took a further five frames in quick succession—the temperature was -10C and I was wearing a cotton shirt and standing in snow with bare feet. I did not want to linger and, by this time, I knew what I was after.
I am satisfied with the results I achieved for A3.
The technical and visual skills required to realise these images were a little different from what I have done with other exercises and assignments. Most important, I was the subject, so I had to work to ensure that I would remain in focus while moving around in front of the camera. I accomplished this in a few ways:
by setting the camera on a two-second timer to give me enough time to get in front of the lens;
by setting the aperture on the lens (f/8) to give sufficient depth of field;
by using a gel-coloured flash, remotely-triggered and fired into a reflective umbrella to freeze motion; and
by ensuring that there was no ambient light in the room, which meant that the flash was the only source of light.
Quality of outcome
I am pleased with the results I achieved, in that they represent well what I had in mind once I landed on my concept / approach.
The images are sharp; I had enough exposures to give me a good selection of photographs for the series; and the colours from the gel-covered flash gave some extra dynamism to the images.
The four images I chose for the final set also compliment each other well in terms of movement, position of the subject, and the colours chosen for each.
If I were to do this again, though, I might look at letting a little ambient light into the frame and dragging the shutter. This would introduce more movement into the frame, but it might take away from the over all effect.
Demonstration of creativity
The creativity for me in this assignment does not lie in the techniques required to produce the images. Taking pictures with a flash in an umbrella is not that complicated, once you get a feel for what you are doing.
Instead, I believe that the creativity lies mostly in the desire to use the assignment to support some personal growth. I realise that a fear of dancing—coupled with a real dislike of pictures of myself—may seem trivial to some people, but it is significant for me. (I am guessing that many of those same people might run from speaking opportunities, while I have little difficulty addressing hundreds of people.)
Context
The reflection I did for this assignment continues the direction in some sense from A2 (which I will almost certainly rework in light of the feedback I received from my tutor), where I looked at issues of personal identity through a collection of artefacts.
In A3 I have again turned to personal exploration, although this time the imagery involves me directly rather than a series of proxies.
At the beginning of the feedback I received from my tutor in response to A2, he included the following quotation:
‘If I throw a stick in one direction in a field it does not mean that I am obliged to retrieve it like a dog. If I throw a stick it is to eliminate or exclude this direction, to feel free to research what is not indicated yet.’
Tomasz Wendland (2008)
I interpreted that as encouragement to resist following my initial leanings for A3 and to open up a new range of possible directions by deliberately turning from familiar things. Looking at my self as the subject of my photographs is something that I have never done, so being pushed was good for my growth as a photographer (and perhaps as a person). Rather than taking on a self-portrait in a relatively distant or even impersonal way, I decided to tackle a discomfort and a fear head-on.
I have also been glad of the opportunity to explore more personal topics in what I hope has been a positive way. Everyone faces challenges in the course of life—some much more so than others—but it has bothered me that so many personal artistic explorations seem to be negative in nature. I think I would have real difficulty sustaining a personal project that focused on the negative and I would also be reluctant to share it with others. I want to grow and I am usually better fed turning outward and forward, rather than focusing inward and down.
This does not mean that I cannot learn from and appreciate the work of artists whose work is darker—it just means that I may not want to follow their examples.
Reference
Wendland, T. (2008) ‘THE UNKNOWN: That what I say is not what I mean’ [Ph.D. Dissertation] Dartington College of Arts, University of Plymouth. At: https://pearl.plymouth.ac.uk/handle/10026.1/2796 (Accessed 24/11/2019).
This self-portrait is a departure for me in a number of ways. Challenged by my tutor to reveal a side of myself that might be surprising to people who know me, I decided to accept the challenge in a way that I hope might be positive for me.
I am not at all a shy person, but there are two things about me that most of my acquaintances do not know: 1) I have run from having my picture taken since I was a child, and; 2) the thought of dancing in front of others puts my stomach in knots. Although I have loved photography since I received my first camera at the age of 12, there are very few pictures taken of me since I was a teen. And, although I love music, I have avoided social situations where there was even the slightest chance that I might be expected to dance. I have been particularly ashamed of the fear of dancing and am aware of the fun that I have likely missed because of it. And I know that my wife has probably paid a price, too.
I have always been taken by Ilse Bing’s famous Self-Portrait in Mirrors, 1931 and originally thought of using her approach both to look out at the viewer and to reflect on my own self-consciousness. I soon realised, however, that I did not want to continue to focus on my feelings of embarrassment but to push myself beyond them and bring two difficult things in my life together. I could have produced a self-portrait that showed the feelings or impacts associated with a fear of dancing, but I wanted to resist and do something more positive for myself. It would be a series of images me having fun moving to music and be much less formally composed than Bing’s image. And if dancing turns me white with fear, well, I would counter that with coloured flash in keeping with all the colours expressed in music.
So my series is not about looking back or even about justifying or exploring where I may be now, but more about who I aspire to become. Less someone bound or shaped by fear, and more someone ready to look forward and grasp a challenge. My self-portraits are not the artful pictures of a youthful dance master like Mickael Jou, but the clumsy first moves of a middle-aged man.
I am under no illusion that this is the end of the matter, but it is a small step.
After discussing a possible direction for A3 with my tutor and being encouraged to show a side of myself that people might not know, I went back to the drawing board.
I have to admit that it took some time to identify a new path. To my mind, it is a fairly rare thing for someone in middle age to reveal something new about themselves. Family, friends and colleagues have had years to get know me and the chance to surprise them becomes less likely the more time goes by. Nevertheless, it dawned on me that there might be one thing about me that would surprise people: my terrible fear of dancing. I have a reputation for being a competent, confident person who remains calm under pressure and thinks well on his feet. I am not shy: I am comfortable leading large teams, teaching adults and speaking in front of hundreds of people. And I absolutely love music and I feel its power—when I’m by myself. But ask me to put music and movement together in front of other people and I turn white with cold fear.
So that would be it. But I wanted to do it on my own terms: rather than making a self-portrait just about fear, I would do a series on where I could get to. I’ve been ashamed of this long enough and resent both the way I have allowed it to make me feel and the fun I’ve missed out on.
I decided to do a series of me dancing and even looking a bit silly as I enjoyed music on my iPod. I would incorporate colour and use flash to freeze my movement. I darkened the room so that the flash would be the only light and give me greater control, both of the exposures I want to use and to strengthen the effect of the gels on the flash. I had originally thought of using a single exposure or perhaps of blending a number of exposures to give a greater sense of movement but, in the end, I opted to go with four exposures—one from each of the different coloured gels I had used.
Here are the contact sheets from the series I took:
Context and Narrative 