This self-portrait is a departure for me in a number of ways. Challenged by my tutor to reveal a side of myself that might be surprising to people who know me, I decided to accept the challenge in a way that I hope might be positive for me.
I am not at all a shy person, but there are two things about me that most of my acquaintances do not know: 1) I have run from having my picture taken since I was a child, and; 2) the thought of dancing in front of others puts my stomach in knots. Although I have loved photography since I received my first camera at the age of 12, there are very few pictures taken of me since I was a teen. And, although I love music, I have avoided social situations where there was even the slightest chance that I might be expected to dance. I have been particularly ashamed of the fear of dancing and am aware of the fun that I have likely missed because of it. And I know that my wife has probably paid a price, too.
I have always been taken by Ilse Bing’s famous Self-Portrait in Mirrors, 1931 and originally thought of using her approach both to look out at the viewer and to reflect on my own self-consciousness. I soon realised, however, that I did not want to continue to focus on my feelings of embarrassment but to push myself beyond them and bring two difficult things in my life together. I could have produced a self-portrait that showed the feelings or impacts associated with a fear of dancing, but I wanted to resist and do something more positive for myself. It would be a series of images me having fun moving to music and be much less formally composed than Bing’s image. And if dancing turns me white with fear, well, I would counter that with coloured flash in keeping with all the colours expressed in music.
So my series is not about looking back or even about justifying or exploring where I may be now, but more about who I aspire to become. Less someone bound or shaped by fear, and more someone ready to look forward and grasp a challenge. My self-portraits are not the artful pictures of a youthful dance master like Mickael Jou, but the clumsy first moves of a middle-aged man.
I am under no illusion that this is the end of the matter, but it is a small step.
A small dance step.
References
AnOther (2016) Uncovering the Critical Influence of Photographer Ilse Bing. At: https://www.anothermag.com/art-photography/9266/uncovering-the-critical-influence-of-photographer-ilse-bing (Accessed 23/11/2019).
Dance Self-Portraits by Mickael Jou • Design Father (2015) At: https://www.designfather.com/dance-self-portraits-mickael-jou/ (Accessed 23/11/2019).
Ilse Bing. Self-Portrait in Mirrors. 1931 | MoMA (s.d.) At: https://www.moma.org/collection/works/44571 (Accessed 23/11/2019).
Mickael Jou (s.d.) At: https://mickaeljou.com/?og=1 (Accessed 23/11/2019).